


Cuz It's the One Thing You Can't Replace

by orphan_account



Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: John Mulaney AU, There's swearing, This is weird, it's one of his stand up stories, specifically from New in Town, stick with me, they're drunk, why did i do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 09:47:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14892294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: guys this is so weird- it's just when I heard John Mulaney tell this story, I was like "bahaha this is David" so here it is. take it all with a grain of salt. its a stand-up comedy story translated to fanfic, I'm not sure what's happening either.





	Cuz It's the One Thing You Can't Replace

To put it quite simply, David Caleb Jacobs was a nerd. He tucked his buttoned-up-to-the-neck ironed plaid shirts into his belted khakis. He wore wire-framed reading glasses so that he could focus on the school books that he carried with him everywhere. He had a 4.3 GPA thanks to advanced placement classes and had gotten a 33 on his first try on the ACT without studying. Hell, the kid had read all 300+ pages of his limited edition hardback copy of Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle. And he’d fucking enjoyed it. There were a few things David’s classmates just knew about him- he was nerdy, he was respected by all the adults in his life as a star student, and holy hell, was he a riotous drunk at parties. 

Nobody had expected it, but damn, would they never again forget it. Not only was the charming, morally upright, and genius David Jacobs a party animal, but he was the kind of person that blacked out a few strong drinks in. He was the stuff of house party legend, but most of the time, nobody knew the real story- Davey sure as hell didn’t. He would show back up at school on Monday, magically right as rain with all his homework completed at 100% accuracy, and have to be informed by his best friends that he had set a dining room table ablaze using nothing but what he could find in a ten foot vicinity and science.

Though that particular fire had put Crutchie Morris down in history as the host of the most legendary house parties boasted of the Fordham Preparatory class of 2018, it still ranked second to a very particular party that, to be honest, the rare person remembered much of. As iconic as the night was, his tendency to blackout gave Davey reason to somewhat question certain...well...choices he may or may not have made? However, as he stood in a small walk-in closet off of his friend Racetrack Higgins’ basement bedroom, that night flashed before his eyes as all David’s questions were answered but one- why?

 

It was his senior year and Davey was sitting next to Jack Kelly in his advanced placement U.S. History class, presided over proudly and unfortunately by one Mr. Snyder the spider. And this absolute asshole of a teacher was describing smugly the Cancun vacation he and his poor wife were taking, and he was warning them against misbehaving for the substitute. David had met Snyder’s wife; she was a really sweet lady who worked in the school office. How the Spider had ended up with someone so amazing, David had no clue, but they had a son two years younger than Davey and as Snyder was talking about the consequences of troubling the sub, the word is getting passed around- party at Spot Snyder’s this weekend. 

 

David Jacobs was not a lightweight. He could hold his alcohol better with the best of them. He just...ya know...has a slight tendency to black out, like, all the time. And quite honestly, he knew he was getting close. He was really wasted- like, really, REALLY wasted, but he still had enough of a grip on reality to know that the school’s goal of destroying Snyder’s house was succeeding. When Davey was approximately two (plus or minus like five) shots in, Jack had taken a running start and leapt onto the pool table in the basement, effectively breaking it in half. Not long after, he’d received word that a group of juniors had found Snyder’s office and one brave fellow, nicknamed Buttons, had taken a shit on his computer. David was damn proud of those boys. Just because he had a 102% in Snyder’s class didn’t mean he liked the guy. 

 

As the night wore on, the stories of broken vases and bodily fluids increased in number and so did the percentage of alcohol in Davey’s blood. He was hardly standing on his own, his words slurring, when a worried conversation floated past him. To present day, Davey is unsure exactly what was said, but he only heard one word- ‘police’. And in Davey’s drunken stupor, he began chanting the very first thing that came to mind, in the weird world of oddly-timed word association:

“Fuck the police!”.

The next thing Davey was aware of, there was a comically large number of rich white drunk children shouting ‘fuck the police’ directly in the face of the local cop standing on the stairs. The cop stood a moment on the stairs, looking out over the vast sea of screaming toddlers, and then raised his walkie talkie to his lips. It was at that moment that someone screamed “run!” and everyone scattered. David, on the verge of blacking out completely, scrambled through the window over the washing machine and ran full speed through the backyard toward the chain link fence. The last thought that went through his mind was ‘I’ve never climbed a fence that high before’.

And then he woke up at home. 

 

That Monday morning, Spot came up to him, a conspiratorially worried look on his face. David didn’t know the kid very well, but Spot had a reputation for being a kickass, but generally only to those who deserved it. Considering what Davey remembered from Saturday night, he wasn’t sure if he deserved it or not. 

“Hey, Dave. Were you at the party Saturday?”. David considered. 

“No?” Spot rolled his eyes, obviously not buying it. 

“Anyway, things got really outta hand. Someone broke the pool table and someone took a shit on my Spider’s computer,” (Davey took a moment to appreciate how Spot called his own father a student-given nickname borne of pure hatred), “but the worst is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother and my parents are freaking out about it”. Davey froze, a GIF of Steve Urkel playing on a loop in his brain and wondered, did I do that? 

 

It was now, three years later, standing in Race’s basement, that he finally got the answer to his question. David was staring at wall-to-wall stolen antique photos from the houses of Fordham Prep students. He recognized several family traits, seeing photos that must have belonged to Crutchie and Jack, and he swore he saw his grandparents for a split second. In awe, he turned to Race. 

“Why? Why do you do this?”. Race smiled wickedly.

“Cuz it’s the one thing you can’t replace”.

**Author's Note:**

> gah someone tell me to delete this


End file.
